Sunday, October 30, 2011


Hope you all enjoyed this picture of me at my Halloween party... shortly after I accidentally killed my iPhone by dropping it in the toilet.

A moment of silence please...

How exactly did that happen you ask?

Well, it started with the choice not to take my purse into the party. But since I'm a mother I always keep my phone on me in case the babysitter sends out a distress call. About a 1/2 of a Bacardi bottle and a few puffs later I went to the bathroom. Placing my phone on the counter top I then had to sweep my cape up so I wouldn't get it dirty.

I swung my cape a little hard and ended up with the whole thing covering my head... keep in mind I'm drunk at this point - so I struggled with it so I could see and then sat down. Being that I was alone I decided to drunk tweet - which was when I reached for my phone and realized it wasn't on the counter anymore. Insert heart attack as I frantically searched the floor... Then stood up (note - I did not start going potty yet, everyone at the party wanted to know if I'd peed on it! LOL) and found it swimming in the toilet.

This is when I started to repeat "Ohhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, nooo nooo noooo please please please fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" over and over. I came out of the bathroom and grabbed the owner of the house by his shoulders and said in my most sober tone I NEED RICE!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is where it remains...

The Wife

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Orgy and Aftermath. Part II : The Aftermath

You may have noticed while reading Part I of this story that there was one sexual pair missing. The Other Hubs never got to fuck The Single Lady. The Hubs and I talked about this on the way home and realized that each time she had the choice of who to play with she picked The Hubs.

Uh oh... drama ahead...

We spoke some the next day, not a whole lot but all was good. So imagine my surprise two days post orgy when I get an email from The Other Hubs saying The Single Lady felt she was pressured into participating and at how fast things started. She also felt "cornered" by being followed to the bathroom. To clarify I asked if he meant the time she followed The Hubs to the bathroom or the time that he, himself had followed her to the bathroom. He responded it was about The Hubs.

Excuuuuuuuse me?

SHE followed The Hubs to the bathroom. The only time The Single Lady was followed by anyone to a bathroom was the time The Other Hubs followed her in and when she came out her hair was all messed up and a few minutes later she announced that she was now pantiless. Hmmm - could THAT be the time she felt cornered perhaps but you are taking it as it was The Hubs' fault.

 Fuck you!

You can come after me all you want, tell me I'm horrible, I'm this or that but question The Hubs' character and I completely lose my shit. The Hubs is THE most stand up man I know, and I saw with my own eyes this woman come after him. And I saw with my own eyes her chose The Hubs over The Other Hubs. And I HEARD HER tell The Hubs that she wanted to fuck him again.

All I could do was respond with the facts. She followed him to the bathroom and she made the moves on him so if she was too drunk to remember that then maybe she shouldn't have been there at all.

No response.

I believe she meant to tell him that she was uncomfortable when he (The Other Hubs) followed her to the bathroom, and how quickly he advanced on her, not The Hubs. But he uses this as an excuse to cock block future meetings for us with The Single Lady without him and his wife.

To quote a twitter friend "People like that need to turn in their swingers card"

The Wife

The Orgy and Aftermath. Part I : The Orgy

I'm still somewhat exhausted from the night so I can only hope I do the party justice. We went to a Halloween party at our swinger friends' house. They had invited a recently divorced woman who wanted to try getting into the swing lifestyle. She had never done anything before, so we knew the possibility of her not only participating but wanting to play with us specifically (since we were the strangers to her) was slim to none. We really didn't care, we were just there to have some fun and see what happened.

When we first got there The Single Lady was attractive and very nice but also very shy. We had snacks and hung out for a while getting to know each other. Eventually she warmed up and we settled into a few drinks and conversation all around. Not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable The Hubs and I stayed away from swing conversation as much as possible. No, we didn't skip all sexual referencing - I mean I would have to basically not speak to cut all of that out. But there was at no time any hint of reference made about playtime.

The night moved on and eventually I realized The Single Lady was making moves on The Hubs. Not flirtations, full on physical moves. She pulled his hand under her pussy as she sat on the couch so he could finger her. When he got up to stop she followed him and pulled him back for more. She clearly wanted to fuck him, especially when she followed him to the bathroom!

The time of the night came to move into the bedroom and the hotness began. It's hard to give a play by play  because I was trying to watch and participate as much as possible so here are some of the positions we had going on.

* The Hubs eating The Other Wife while fingering The Single Lady while I sucked on The Hubs cock and stroked The Other Hubs cock.

* The Other Hub eating me out while I licked on The Single Lady's nipples while The Hubs ate The Other Wife while she ate The Single Lady

* The Other Hub fucking The Other Wife while she ate The Single Lady while The Hubs got his cock sucked by The Single Lady and fingered me (that was amazing BTW)

* The Other Wife and The Single Lady making out while The Hubs fingered them both and The Other Hubs fingered and licked my pussy

* The Other Hubs fucking me while The Hubs fucked The Single Lady and The Other Wife watching

* The Other Hubs and The Other Wife fingering The Single Lady and playing with her breasts while The Hubs fucked me.

* Me sucking The Other Hub while The Other Wife cums on The Hubs face and The Single Lady watched

There are more, because I know I sucked The Hubs cock on at least two other times, but I don't know what the fuck was happening because I was distracted!

When we were all spent we cleaned up and headed home. All the way home we rehashed our favorite and least favorite parts of the entire night. This is our usual, but this was clearly amplified by this being our first orgy! When we got home it was really late, but we always end the night with a follow up fuck. Which, is one of my favorite parts of our swing life. That night was a two round follow up fuck, and the second was even harder than the first!

I woke up the next morning unable to walk... a small price for so much fun.

The Wife

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just when I thought I had seen it all

Today I got an email on one of our online profiles from a single man. I clicked on his page to view his profile and see what his story was. He had several pictures including a face picture, and he wasn't bad looking. Only one problem... in his pictures sometimes he's white and sometimes he's black.


His face picture shows a very dark skinned black man - yet his body is Casper-the-ghost white in some pictures and dark in others. Of course, this means he's either Michael Jackson come back to life, or at least one aspect of his profile is fake.

I encounter fakes more than I wish to recall, (see post) because let's face it - there are a lot of weirdos online, especially when you are talking about sex and sexual things! But, seriously - if you are going to go to all the trouble to make a fake profile can you at least pick one race and go with it? I mean, isn't that the basics?  I can't help but wonder if this profile works on anyone. I'm tempted to ask him, but I know there really is no point other than to satisfy my my desire to tell him he's stupid!

Oh well... back to the drawing board...

The Wife

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Going with my gut

Recently I was surprised by a conversation with a single male potential playmate. It was our initial conversation and I asked if he wanted to see a picture of me since he sent me one. His response is what got me - no thanks, he said.


I'm not saying I'm a super model with the most amazing pics ever but a single man always wants pics. Married men have access to pussy any time they want. But single men always want more pics than you send, no matter how many you send. This guy, no thanks he didn't want any!?!

Red flag. But not enough to disqualify you, maybe you don't like pics... Maybe you are at work and can't get them, maybe you just don't give a rat's ass about what I look like as long as I can suck & fuck? I don't know, but it is odd so I decided to stay alert.

The next day I realized he has two yahoo screen names. He logs into one and then from that into another instant messenger name. I'm not sure what the purpose or how this would be done but it was odd. It was a brief conversation when he signed off he said he was going to work out he'd be back on a few days from now. (he gave the day of the week, so it's not a typo) huh? You're planning on being at the gym for a few days? Before I could smartassly say that he (out of the blue) says that he has plans next weekend but the weekend after that looks open.

Nice to know, I thought and he was gone, signed out presumably to hit the gym. Then I logged in to our website where we met him. In my inbox was a message saying that user had been deleted for misuse or something to that effect.

Hmm, now the profile full of nutbags has blocked you... I think that's enough strikes for me too. There are too many "huh" moments too early in getting to know him.


The Wife

I thought I knew what I was in for...

The evening started out pretty normal. The Hubs had come home with a 6-pack of my favorite cider (see #81 & 82 100 Things about The Wife) and some dark chocolate. My estimation was he wanted me drunk and appreciative for an extra special blow job. The Saturday evening carried on with drinking, dinner and some smoking.

After all of the other members of our household were in bed we watched some tv and hung out for a while. He pulled out a few toys for cleaning and posted some cryptic messages on twitter about our night ahead. I could tell he was planning on being rough. (Which is not something we do all all the time) He gave me a few whips over the course of an hour or so, and then I got up to make the check in rounds of the house.

As I made it back to our bedroom I saw the door was slightly pulled away from the wall looking like someone was standing behind the door. Knowing that The Hubs likes to scare me I walked slowly into the bedroom bracing for the jump-out-and-scare-me moment. Two steps into the bedroom and no sign of The Hubs until I heard the faintest sound of footsteps and before I could comprehend what was taking place my tiny g-string had been ripped off of my body (like seriously disintegrated with one rip) and I was being blindfolded and led around by the tight grip on my neck.

That was just the beginning...

Soon my hands were tied to the headboard of the bed, with my feet being strapped at my ankles and then pulled up in the air by a strap he can tighten. (In my head I thought, "oh I totally forgot we had this thing") I felt his tongue go to work on my helpless pussy as I wiggled around in pleasure. After I sprayed his face he moved on to the fuck saw... (see #86) which is hard to handle when you are tied up and can't contort my body in ecstasy like I normally do. This time I sprayed so much that I hit the wall behind me (and my leg in the process) even with my blindfold on I could tell that it was a big one... 

In between rounds he would take my head and lead me to his cock and force it as far as he could down my throat. The whip also stayed out, and anytime I said "ouch" I was punished a little bit more... He continued on with two more toys fucking me as if we were in a gang bang, each time I had to spray him to get him to stop. Finally he said the gang bang was over, and as always he takes me last. With my hands and legs still tied in the air, and my blindfold still tight over my eyes I felt his rock hard cock slide into my dripping wet abused pussy. He fucked me until I begged him to cum with me as I exploded on him one last time.

It was an amazing, and epic night of cumming and sharing experiences beyond our normal. And, like I said... I thought I knew what I was in for!

Heavy S&M isn't really my thing, but I know that The Hubs is really into dominating. So sometimes we do it, and  I go with it, and I get off on the enjoyment he is having (well and it doesn't change the fact that he's eating & fucking me crazy good too!) from dominating me. I know the safe word and I've seen his ability to go from 10000% to 0% in a millisecond at it's use. Now, I'm not saying what we did was in heavy or hard core but for me, who is usually a lightweight it was more hard core than we had done before. The adrenaline of the grab was real he did a great job, I never saw him or heard him and I was even expecting to be scared. I've never seen panties fall apart that easily. He made it look like he was ripping off a piece of Velcro, I barely felt them disappear.

Did I mention it was epic?


The Wife

PS - A blow job followed about a 1/2 hour after I was untied :)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

100 Facts About The Wife

I saw this on a friend's blog and wondered if I could do it and maintain my mysteriousness... So here goes nothing...

These are all 100% factual about me, and I tried to put them in some random sort of order.

1. I am the youngest child
2. The Hubs and I met when I was 16
3. I was the first child in my family to get married
4. I took the longest out of my entire family to graduate college.
5. I have bungee jumped
6. I was in the band in high school
7. I am a mother
8. We have had 3 dogs in our marriage, all have had "B" names (by coincidence!)
9. I've lived in the same city my entire life
10. I smoke weed
11. I love to fuck
12. As of 2012 I will have known The Hubs for longer than I lived without knowing him
13. I was very religious as a teenager
14. Before meeting The Hubs I was determined to stay a virgin until I got married
15. We dated 6 weeks before I gave in and we banged
16. My guilty pleasure is celebrity gossip
17. I only had 2 boyfriends before meeting The Hubs
18. We have been married 11 years
19. If my Mother were reading this she would have figured me out by #2
20. I am lucky to be married to Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, aka SwingerHubinFL & The Hubs
21. I can touch my nose with my tongue
22. I was a bank teller for many years, using my time to flirt with the customers
23. I lust after my best friend's husband
24. I would like to to think "loyal" would be one of the words used to describe me, which I find ironic coming from a swinger
25. The Hubs was my one and only sexual partner until we got back into the swing of things after our swing break.
26. I only wear thongs or g-string underwear
27. My hair has been blond, brown, red and black. Sometimes more than one at a time :)
28. Every "I'll never" I've ever said to The Hubs I've ended up eventually trying at least once.
29. It took me 8 years to get a BA and now I don't use it.
30. I have flashed my boobs for beads on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
31. I work from my home for a large national company
32. I'm addicted to Starbucks
33. I don't drink any coffee except one drink from Starbucks
34. I used to smoke cigarettes on the down low
35. I wasn't allowed to watch Three's Company or The Golden Girls as a kid - oh, or The A-Team.
36. I'm an amatur photographer, but I do everything by sight and feel and I know nothing of aperture and lenses.
37. I make some money off of my photography, but if I won the lottery I would do it full time in a blink of an eye.
38. I am a worrier, and it sits on me sometimes.
39. I believe that when women are pregnant their brains are rewired to be able to think 3 steps ahead of everyone at all times.
40. I'm constantly multitasking.
41. Last year I made The Hubs a photo book of me in sexy lingerie. I set up a tripod and ran in - which is hard to do in heels, thigh highs & a garter!!!
42. The compliment I hear most often from my face picture is about my smile.
43. I'm never sure if that's code for something else? lol
44. My facebook account is completely vanilla, my twitter is completely non-vanilla.
45. I refuse to open a vanilla twitter account because I'm terrified I'll mistake the two and spill the beans to the world.
46. I am very nosey. Even if I'm not asking the question I'm wondering about it...
47. My outer appearance gives the impression that I am a goodie-two-shoes suburban soccer mom
48. Part of the turn on for me is the two sided nature of being a swinger and a soccer mom.
49. I am a huge flirt in my vanilla life
50. We have one friend who knows about us, and when he gets drunk he texts me. It won't ever happen, but I'd do it! lol
51. I listen to all kinds of music
52. I am a push-the-button-and-see-what-happens kind of girl
53. I only enjoy rough play with The Hubs because I know he would never really hurt me. Whereas I talked to a woman once who said she couldn't do it with her husband because she knew he would never hurt her. lol
54. My back is highly erogenous for me
55. I have a wish list on Amazon, but I'm too embarrassed to ever say anything about it
56. I went through a country phase - boots & all...
57. I played tennis when I was a kid, not very well but I still did it! lol
58. I have offered (to their faces) to be the judge of who has the bigger cock contest between two of our friends. So far they both puss out :(
59. The Hubs and I have had sex in just about every place you can imagine, including multiple times in a church parking lot that was close to my parents' house.
60. When we got engaged I was 18 and he was 20.
61. If I tried to explain my job to you I would lose you in about 30 seconds.
62. I've never done any drugs besides weed and
63. I didn't start smoking weed until I was 24 years old.
64. I once "rescued" a kid from a swimming pool. He fell in while we were drying off and before anyone else noticed I jumped in and got him back out. I think I was like 9 years old, and he was 1. To a 9 year old I had saved his life and the world! lol
65. I got my first job when I was 17 and I've worked ever since. I'm not sure why I was so eager to start working but I don't get to take a break now!
66. I'm unbelievably sentimental
67. I believe in buying local and supporting your community
68. I'm a couponer, not a crazy one like on tv, but I'm cheap so it's right up my ally
69. I am 5'8" but I love heels, so I'm usually taller
70. I once dated a guy that was shorter than me and I never got used to it.
71. I'm very sarcastic
72. I want a boob job. Nothing insane, just generously proportionate to my body :)
73. I do not have any tattoos or piercing (except ears) but
74. I have thought about getting one or both of them.
75. I have blue and green eyes
76. My reading interest comes in waves. I go through times when I'm reading constantly and others when it takes me months to get through a book.
77. 10 years ago I was wearing hose and heels everyday to work in a business suit. Today I wear my pajamas or underwear. Upgrade!
78. I do my very best not to shop at Wal-Mart. I think they are a horrible company and in general their stores are disgusting.
79. Our official political affiliation is opposite each other, but The Hubs and I are both very middle of the road.
80. Right now I'm wondering how many of you are still reading this?
81. I don't drink beer because I find it disgusting. I like a variety of the girly drinks or I'll drink a hard cider. Look it up...
82. My favorite is Magners, which I always laugh when people think I'm talking about Magnum condoms! hahaha
83. I am a chocoholic. Dark chocolate, please and in almost any form.
84. The Hubs and I have been to Las Vegas together 3 times in the last 4 1/2 years with another trip planned in a few months
85. We own season tickets to football program that neither The Hubs nor I went to the college.
86. This is my favorite sex toy
87. Sometimes I feel guilty about how much time our lifestyle takes away from me being Mommy
88. I lost my virginity to The Hubs and then drove myself to pick up my high school class ring
89. I fucked my high school crush in a MFM setting a few months ago :)
90. I have let The Hubs play alone a few times, but I don't feel ready to play alone myself - despite having his permission. Strange, I know...
91. My first car's driver's door didn't open. You had to climb out of the passenger side, I was super cool though.
92. I've travelled outside of the country only one time and it wasn't that great because of the people I was with... would love to go back and do it right.
93. I use the word "Fuck" a lot. I have to really pay attention when little ears are present.
94. I don't like talking on the phone, I prefer to text
95. There are certain fashion trends that I don't think I'm cute enough to pull off
96. I am VERY loud in bed. I try to tone it down, but usually I can't help myself.
97. I can squirt, but as of now only The Hubs has been able to get me to that point.
98. I don't consider myself bi-sexual or bi-curious. I'm straight, but to me that means light play, touch, kiss but no oral.
99. I have had alcohol poisoning and probably should have gone to the hospital. 12 years later and I still can't even smell the drink without getting sick.
100. It took me 3 days to think of these facts, and I'm very curious what number is your favorite!

The Wife

Monday, October 10, 2011


The other day I sent out the following tweet:

Jane Smith
As a general swinger rule if you are more interested in me than your wife I am no longer interested in you :)

I think this needs further clarification....

This means -
If you keep secrets from your spouse
If you no longer have sex with your spouse
If you belittle your spouse's appearance
If you seem to use swinging as a means to fill a void because your no longer find your spouse attractive.

These are examples of some things we have run into and they all fall into the category of "no longer interested".

For us, there are zero secrets. And we aren't like the couples who say they share everything and then in chatting it comes out that they take steps to hide things. My favorite example of this is the couple we chatted with that claimed to share all details. Then in chatting with The Hubs it came out that the wife would be sure to delete their texts from during the day, and used work as an excuse to get out of the house and have secret time with playmates. In fact she had basically had an affair with a playmate, yet they claimed to share all details... hmmm.

We love having sex with each other, in fact so far no other man has been able to live up to The Hubs skills. (Challenge Accepted, anyone? lol) So there is no void being filled, no lack of enjoyment being sought. This is fun we have together, as a couple enjoying sex and our sexy spouses.

And, for the record - if The Hubs ever belittled me to a playmate he'd be finding his own ride home. But, I know he never would because he was bothered by it for that wife. It was awful!

Hopefully this will clarify my tweet. I know it seems like this is a women-are-never-happy thing since I'm constantly bitching about the right amount of attention etc. I'm not here to fill your wife's spot as sexiest woman alive in your eyes, I'm just a slut who likes to have fun!

The Wife

Here's to the nips...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Cluster Fuck

I can only describe this date as The Cluster Fuck that it was... it has taken me several days and since it's so fresh I will have to be a bit vauge on some of the details just in case they are readers...

It started off fine, we spoke all week about getting together and The Cluster Hub was eager to get back together. We have played with this couple before and met in a non play (yet not really vanilla either) date on another occasion. In every conversation between both The Cluster Hub/Me and The Cluster Wife/The Hubs all signs were that we were playing. So we got an overnight babysitter, stocked up on condoms, waxed and headed out for dinner.

Dinner was casual and nice, easy conversation and good food made for a nice time. We made our exit and headed for their house as was the plan. We started drinking and just hanging out chatting. Everything was going along totally fine - if you were on a vanilla date.

Just one interjection here - we don't mind vanilla dates too. We enjoy these people outside of the bedroom but a vanilla date is not an overnight babysitter night. That is a pay-the-teenager-and-save-your-overnights-for-playtime sort of outing.

But there we were, confused by the general mood of The Clusters. The Cluster Hub was clearly eager, sending me text messages from across the room, while The Cluster Wife was 100% vanilla and seeminly more and more annoyed with The Cluster Hub for his text messages. After all she was sitting next to me on the couch, she knew who the messages were going to!

Six hours into the evening he told me the lamest excuse ever, but basically saying that they would not be playing tonight. It was her call and she had bult a road block of veto. I passed the message along to The Hubs and we made our goodbyes a little while later. We got in the car and started putting all of the pieces together.

Through the conversation I determined that The Cluster Wife has no idea that her husband is emailing me an average of 25 (no joke) emails a day from work. I know this because she made it clear that they can't talk during the day... hmmm... ooook. I also figured out that she really hates the texting across the room. Can't really say I blame her on that one, I'm not a fan either and neither is The Hubs. It's rude and a tad immature, if you want to flirt with someone do it out loud. We all know what we're there for, and if you can't say it in spousal company you probably shouldn't say it anyway. But trust me, when I ignore him he just sends more and more and more. The icing on the cake is that when I went to the bathroom he tried to follow me and she told him to sit down.

Bingo... we have an uncomfortable wife.

At least that's my theory based on the excuse - because seriously it was so bad I can't even tell you. You know how you can blend in the stories so that you could generally be talking about any number of people - well I highly doubt that this one has ever been used, and I sure hope it won't ever be again!

I'm not really sure where this leaves us with them, I'm going to need some assurances that she's comfortable with me or I won't be comfortable playing with either of them! And he needs to be a little more attentive to his wife, just because The Hubs is hoping to play with someone doesn't mean he ignores me!

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

The Wife

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Pea

Do you remember the story of The Princess and The Pea? The Queen puts a pea under the mattress and no matter how many cushions are brought in the Princess still feels the pea...

Recently I discovered there was a pea under the mattress for The Hubs and myself. A few months ago I found The Hubs starting to pick up the term "Hun" (side note - I still don't know where this came from in 15 + years I've never heard him use this one) For some reason every time I heard it or read it I would cringe. Like make me uncomfortable cringe. Which made no sense, even to myself as I felt/feel 100% confident in the solidarity of my marriage. But there was just something about it...

I decided that I would not tell The Hubs about this until I could determine if I was just being sensitive. After all, I know that at least once a month I'm certifiably crazy. So I thought about it,  I tried to place my finger on what exactly the issue was but no matter what I couldn't pin point the origin of the yuck factor. I had no explanation other than it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Eventually I decided to let it go and just chill out. It was never that I felt uncomfortable with The Girl, or with The Hubs and my arrangement so there was no reason to keep stewing on it. Quickly that word died away and the problem was solved on it's own. Then last week The Hubs was reading a conversation I had with a male playmate. In the message I called our friend "dear", which I tend to do a lot. I use "dear" on vanilla, non vanilla even sometimes on work people. But this time it made The Hubs admit that he really didn't like that one.

I started to laugh as he tried to explain his objections to me. I didn't need any explanation, for me his discomfort is enough for me to move on and he wasn't mad at me. But  I couldn't help but think of the "hun" freak out a few months earlier. I told him about it and we talked it out and laughed at our inability to explain ourselves.

It was a reminder that no matter what your standings are, arrangement is or comfort level with your spouse there is always the possibility of  finding a pea under the mattress. And as The Princess found out in the story you can't ignore the problem, you just have to find and fix it.

Luckily for me The Hubs and I are very good at our "no explanation needed" policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work period.

So what do you think? Ever have a pea type issue like us?

The Wife