Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Last weekend while at my friend's birthday party it dawned on me that it was after a previous birthday celebration for her was when The Hubs and I had our MFM launch back into the lifestyle. It was our Swingaversary!

And what an interesting night that was... I can't remember if I've told you about him but it's quite the story. Isn't every one's first kind of awkward? We hadn't had any luck with men in our early days with swinging, it was always females. So, he really was going to be The First. 

At the time our typical procedure was The Hubs would go online and read our emails etc, if one passed his weeding process then they would be given our instant messenger name. It was usually me on the other end of our joint account. So then I would chat, exchange pictures etc. When The First emailed me his picture my first thought was he was way out of my league. But he seemed interested in me. We continued chatting for a long time (schedules delayed us) and finally set up to meet this one Saturday night.

As I said, it was a celebration for our friend that night but we squeezed in a meeting for a drink and then we headed off to the party while he supposedly had plans for something else too. So we met, had a drink, found out he wasn't a psycho (outwardly at least) and parted ways. The Hubs was less than impressed with the guy and was surprised I was still saying yes. But, as he says, he's not fucking them so he's not picking them. I had been really nervous so when we got to the party I was turned on by the naughtiness of what we had done and ready to drink.

So I drank.

And then I drank some more.

Pretty soon I was pointing out to my vanilla friends which men in the bar I'd love to fuck. Then on the way to the bathroom I was pinching hotties' asses - and not even trying to hide it. Clearly, I was incredibly drunk. It was time to go and I stumbled (actually, if you must know I fell and showed my BFF's husband my pussy) my way to the car. When we got home I was struggling with my skirt (clothing gets tough to take off when you're that blasted) when The Hubs came into the room and announced he had just text The First that we were home and he should come over. That had not been the plan, and therefore I didn't believe him. I really thought The Hubs was joking, so I didn't get freaked out or anything. Until he brought me the phone and showed me the text.

Holy Fuck. This was really going to happen. Start freaking out.......

Oh wait, I'm too drunk. Yep, I just kept giggling and not really grasping the situation. He arrived (I met him at the door in lingerie) and we awkwardly sat around for a few minutes while I giggled some more. Finally The First launched at me, and started kissing me. From there it's kind of a blur but I've pieced this together from my drunk memories and The Hubs sober ones!

I was bent over our couch sucking The Hubs when The First started fucking me from behind. It was... quick, but he tried to fake until The Hubs was done. Then I drunkenly fell off the couch while The First went to clean up and The Hubs went somewhere (I still don't know). When The First came back he was already getting hard again so I started to suck his cock. Apparently I was really going to town on him when The Hubs came back into the room. He tried a few times to get involved (tap on my leg to get me to open my legs etc) but I was so drunk I had no idea he was there. Finally he realized that clearly I was too intoxicated for this to go any further. He managed to get my attention and let me know it was time to pull the plug.

I'm so glad he did, clearly I was too out of it since most of what was told above is from his memories. What I do remember was awkward and not stellar, but what it did was give us a first. We had lived through our first MFM and we were back in the swing of it all over again.

We never played with him again, although he does randomly send me a text asking to hook up. Maybe someday he'll get the hint.

The Wife

Sunday, February 26, 2012

What happened to Jane?

In general, when it comes to my real life, I try and keep a vagueness on twitter and the blog that will keep my identity hidden and my family safe. But, sometimes that means I say things that make me sound a lot worse than... like this last week when Jane Smith took a bender into crazy town.

Let me start from the beginning... I, like so many people worldwide, take a daily medication that can be used for a whole host of things (depression, anxiety etc). I am by no means crazy, I'm just among the masses who take some sort of a happy pill for various reasons. The demons in my head are no scarier than anyone else's, and with a small dose I'm able to shut out that part of my conscious and move on being me.

In the past I've experimented with lowering my dosage and or stopping entirely to see if I could come off of it. The answer is no, I'm a long-term pill popper and over the years I've accepted it. What I haven't done, however is change my ways of procrastination. So, when the 2 month supply of pills was running low I knew I needed to call the pharmacy but I delayed, forgot, got busy etc etc etc. Until one night low and behold I didn't have anymore left (imagine that, the bottles DO run empty eventually??) So I told myself to call the next day - and guess what - I forgot. That night when I reached for my pill is when I remembered and made the call right then. The automated voice told me it would be ready the next day, and off to sleep I went 2 days off of meds. I woke up to an email from the pharmacy that they were out of stock, and would have to order it. The order would be delayed 24-48 hours.

Uh oh.

See, the problem isn't the actual symptoms of your issues as much as it is the basically detoxing your body has to go through. For me it goes like this.

Day 1 of symptoms starts the day after missing my second pill. I start to find it hard to focus, and my mind is all over the place. I'll go to pull up an email at work and by the time I open a blank message the thought I had is gone and it takes a second of retracing my bouncing-off-the-walls-thoughts to remember what I'm doing. Mood is up and down, but mostly ok.

Day 2 starts the dizziness and the "I-hate-everything" day. Nothing is funny, it's stupid and a waste of my time. My head feels like I'm falling even when I'm sitting still. I put myself on "Do Not Disturb" to try and hide at my office and I essentially yell at the computer screen about how stupid these people are every time someone asks me anything.

Day 3 is the sweaty quiet day. I'm still dizzy this day and now I'm sweaty. It's gross, I'm sorry but my body sweats on day 3 which is really 5 days since the last time I took a pill. Pretty much, I felt like ass and I start getting lost in my head. Luckily for me my pharmacy finally got my meds in and I was able to start on my mend. We went to a birthday party for our very good friend and I self-consciously sweat and drank myself through the evening.

It will now take a few days for Jane to return, unfortunately I got to go through most of the detox which means I get to build it all up again and not get lost in my head in the meantime. But for those who cared that's what happened to me, there was nothing worth saying besides a string of curse words and I hate_____'s. And that isn't fun or sexy and that's not what you people want to read about. But I also didn't want people to think I was some sort of lunatic from the vague nature of some of my tweets. This is the best vague/detail I can give.

The Wife

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Last week I suffered a sex injury. And I don't mean rug burn or an catching some cum in your eye, but a takes a few days to recover oral sex injury.

It was one of those freak occurrences that you try to slow motion replay it in your head trying to figure out how in the hell that happened. Basically I have a long tongue, and I like to swirl it around The Hubs cock as I give him a bj - well... he got excited and just as my tongue went up he grabbed my head and started face fucking me. Only problem is my tongue got trapped up and his cock literally split the bottom of my tongue.

This was taken the next morning when I was able to open my mouth again. However, I was definitely and until further notice put on the blow job injured reserve list.

I kept thinking it was beginning to feel better and then I would do something like eat lunch and it would hurt like crazy, and each time I added another day of no blow jobs. (*Side note - normally, blow jobs whether or not to completion are an almost daily occurrence in this house) Until finally, almost a full week later I decided it was enough and I would test the waters.

Finally my lips, tongue and throat were reunited with The Hubs raging hard on and damn it felt good to be back to my old tricks! And of course, now my tongue needs extra practice!


The Wife

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Valentine Update

The mailman came through and I was able to surprise The Hubs for Valentine's day! Wahoo!

Here are some of the things we got:

"Mr. Big" - my first BBC!
The Hubs said he was thinking this dildo would be bigger, but it sure did the trick! This will be a good replacement for "The Big Dildo" as we call it, which is old and ready to retire. Plus Mr. Big is curved, The Big Dildo wasn't so it's going to be a long and happy friendship!

The Sextastic Sling
I think we're using this one "wrong"... in the demo the lady said it was supposed to hold your legs up by the strap around your back... except I still felt like I was holding my legs up, so this one is going to require more practice!

The Super stretch
This is a pocket pussy of sorts, we don't have any of those or a fleshlight so I thought it would be fun to get a toy "for him" that we could use together. I liked this one because his cock comes out of the top for licking. Of course, the only problem with that is make sure you're using a lube that is edible - otherwise it's not so tasty... Jury's out on this - my tongue is still on the injured list so it hasn't been played with very much yet.

There are more toys, a few things that I'd been wanting or wanted to give a try with my credits for hosting the sex toy party. But the main thing is The Outfit. 

Yes, of course that's exactly how I look in it too... lol

The Hubs was playing video games online with friends after dinner. When he plays this game he totally zones out, and getting his attention is a bit of an effort. Well, normally that is... I slipped the outfit into my drawer in the bathroom and waited until after the offspring was tucked into bed. I silently opened the door which happens to give a full view of the bathroom to The Hubs seat and the look on his face was priceless.  I definitely know how to get his attention now!

Oh, and The Hubs bought me two super sexy new outfits too! Think Pink & Purple... I'm sure they'll be making their twitter debut any day now.

Thankfully Valentine's day wasn't a fail after all!

The Wife

Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentine's Day Fail

The Hubs and I have celebrated Valentine's Day with a naughty gift for the past several years. What makes it different from the rest of the year is that I do all of it. I pick it out without advice and then let it be a surprise. Since normally we do everything together it's a nice tradition that I always pick something out to surprise him. The only exception is the year he bought me the fuck saw. But, really that's just exceptional all around!

Our city has multiple sex stores and I try and mix it up through the years, but it never fails that I'm a last minute shopper so I'm either going to 18 different places or settling for something similar to what I had in mind. But this year was going to be different. This year I was having a sex toy party in January! Hellooooo, score!!! I was so proud of my self feeling so prepared when the order was placed 1/18.  All we had to do now was wait for the package to arrive... (did y'all just think haha, she said package - oh that was just me? Ok, nevermind then carry on....)

And wait.

We got back from our big trip out west on 2/2, since there was no package waiting on our front door I emailed the consutant that if she hadn't already she could send the package we were home from our trip. She responded "Welcome home!"

No mention of the package. So we wait...

And wait... but I'm still thoroughly convinced that surely the package will arrive before Valentine's Day. I mean give me a break that is 2 weeks from the date I emailed her. I could walk to her house (an hour and a half car drive away) in less time than that.

And wait.

I email her again on 2/10 and say, sorry to bother you but I still haven't gotten anything, asking if she had a way to track it, and asking how she sent it. She responded that she sent it regular mail. No tracking information given...

So here I am February 13th, almost a month past my order date and the eve of the occassion that I need the package for. So much for being prepared.

Valentine's day FAIL!!!!!!!

The Wife

Sunday, February 12, 2012


I'm on the verge of a twitter war, over a hash tag...

It all started last week when a twitter friend (Fred) posted a picture of his lovely wife flashing her boobs at him. He hash tagged it #FridayFlash - since it was Friday and hello, she was flashing him. Duh.

Then he got a @ from a woman named Loretta, who was informing he was using the hash tag wrong, and he shouldn't be posting pictures like that online. In fact, she stated, the #FridayFlash is to be used for "Flash Literature" that gets posted on twitter on Fridays. Fred retweeted her comment for our enjoyment and, well... I had to put my two cents in.

This is what I said:
vanilla is non swinger, you stumbled into a swinger community by following his hash tag, which I'd also argue cannot be used "incorrectly" as twitter is really all just for fun and there really is no "right" or "wrong", right? :)           

So what if you use your FridayFlash for literature and I use it to show off boobs - I'm ok with not being the "normal" - but please don't tell me we're "wrong" for doing it - that makes me want to lose my shit. Different is not wrong, it's just different. If we were all the same imagine how boring the world would be.

So, of course this past Friday I added my two cents again and used my #FridayFlash to post a few pics, as did Fred. And then came the new note... She once again insisted that he was doing it wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I was home on a Friday night and amped up anyway, but that didn't sit well with me. So of course, I said this...

Dear #fridayflash nazi Loretta- just because you use #fridayflash for flash literature doesn't mean that is the ONLY way to use it. So stop telling us it's being used wrong. Live your life and we will live ours! #fridayflash #fridayflash #fridayflash

No response as of yet, but believe me if she doesn't let it go Fred and I will unleash our naughty swinger friends on her hash tag so fast she won't know what hit her! Pretty soon she won't have any literature in her hash tag timeline, but rather boobies and cock shots.

But, I have to ask - am I the only one who's noticing a major downturn in twitter fun lately? Isn't twitter JUST FOR FUN? When did it become so serious, everyone taking everything so personally and seriously? I've experienced a recent rash of twittercides in my TL lately, some people say they're leaving and others have just up and left without notice, but it seems February has been bad for tweeps. I have to think it's because of people like Loretta that sap all of the fun out of twitter and make it yet another chore in our lives.

So, Loretta - I'd like to say perhaps it is you who is in fact "doing it wrong" since none of your stories make people squirm in their pants or produce a raging erection. So how about you piss off and just ignore the boobs in your timeline if that's not what you're looking for.

The Wife

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

TMI Tuesday - Come to bed

I've never participated in TMI Tuesday, but I thought, why not? So here goes:

1. A friend is coming to have sex. There are 3 twin beds and an air mattress in the room. What do you do? (choose one)
a. Have sex where ever we land first, who needs a bed?
b. Have sex on a single twin mattress
c. Have sex on an air mattress
d. Or? (tell us your solution)

d. Push the three twins together and fuck sideways so they don't separate and you end up falling through the cracks.

Oh who am I kidding, it's a... You just start fucking and see where we land!

2. What is the oddest thing you have in your bedroom that someone would be surprised to find. Why is it there?

Our fucksaw... No one can ever believe that one! It's there because it's a damn good time!!!

3. What are your favorite sheets?
a. Flannel
b. Cotton
c. T-shirt cotton (jersey)
d. Satin

I live in FL - where it is perpetually 900 degrees - cotton please!

4. Do you sleep with sheets tucked in or out? Why?

I absolutely cannot sleep with them tucked in! I am a stomach sleeper and my sheets and covers do an on and off dance all night long - mostly just on my feet.

5. What is your usual bedtime? Why?
a. 8-10 pm
b. 10-12 midnight
c. 12-24
d. Whenever my eyes won’t stay open any longer.

We watch tv from our bed at night, so we are "in bed" usually around 8:30 but then we watch tv, fuck, talk, sometimes smoke, fuck, watch tv, fuck etc... Usually going to sleep by 10:30/11.

5. Do you sleep with closet door(s) shut or open? Bedroom door shut or open? Any particular reason why?

I would love for our closet doors to be shut all of the time, but they just aren't! They are louvered doors so they end up being open most of the time. The door gets closed but not tight. It's closed because The Hubs is a vampire and likes to sleep in pitch blackness. But can't be latched because our child loves to come running into our room in the morning.

6. Have you ever broken a bed or other furniture during sex?

Our current bed is broken from us!! Not only does it squeak like at any second the last bit will go but there are several posts on the headboard that are not longer connected at the bottom! Oops ;)

7. What’s your favorite type of bed for sex?

A clean one w/ a gorgeous man in it!

8. What do you sleep in?

a. Lingerie
b. Underwear
c. Day clothes
d. T-shirt
e. Nothing

Most of the time it's nothing, however when it's "cold" here I will put on a t-shirt to cover my shoulders (can't sleep w/cold air on my shoulders, why? Who knows!)


How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your blog, answer the questions there, then leave a comment on the tmituesdayblog so we’ll all know where to read your responses!